Feeling Low & Going Through A Hard Time...

All images included in this post our not ours and are found on Pintrest via Google.

Hey everyone, this is a very different post to what you usually find on our blog Cyber Mermaids but I wanted to be honest with all of our lovely readers and tell them whats going on in my life. Plus I always think a good rant and talk is good for the soul, heart and mind.

So as you can probably tell from the title of this post, I'm going through a really shitty time right now. Things have been shit for the past few months, especially since January of this year. Me and my boyfriend haven't been getting along for a long time which is so sad to write as at the beginning of our relationship, we used to be best friends... soul mates in fact and everything was so so so good. He was my first ever boyfriend which is so unusual for a 19 year old but I was waiting for the right one :) and I thought I'd finally found him :) so the first few months of our time together was so sweet and lovely. We made each other so happy and we both helped with each others confidence. I thought we would spend our lives together because that's how right we were for one another. It's crazy how one person can make you feel so happy and loved. I treated him as my number one and vise versa.

Cracks started showing when I had a feeling his mum didn't like me, she even called me 'that Rachel' like I was a dog or a piece of dirt, the worst thing is my boyfriend didn't even think that was horrible which is fucking weird I think. I just got on with things and did my best to try and get along with her. We'd been going out for a few months now and I'd still hadn't met his friends. I was worried as I thought I meant we weren't in a 'serious' relationship. I brought it up and we both fought but decided I'd meet his friends soon. Another one of my worries was that whenever we went to his house, we would never ever go out. Most couples go on dates, we didn't.

Weeks go by and I still haven't met his friends or been on a proper date or even go out shopping in his home town. I felt like he was ashamed of me, I felt like his secret girlfriend. These feelings were made 100% worse because we had a long distance relationship. Ever week he would come visit me after a three hour train journey and spend a few nights at mine and then I go back to his with him.
I got pissed of at staying in the house 24/7 when we were at his, so I eventually stopped going. That was another massive crack in our relationship.

Weeks and weeks went by and I could literally feel the distance growing between us. Sure, he would come and visit me but things just felt different. He put his friends before me and wouldn't text me for hours and it was pretty clear that I wasn't his first priority. We started arguing more and wouldn't cuddle as much :( Our 'first' breakup was in January of this year but my heart was breaking so much. After a two weeks of barely talking and a lot of tears we decided to get back together. I was so happy but also a little nervous. I thought we could work through our issues and be happy again. We've had a few happy times this year but the arguments got more frequent and I just felt like I couldn't bring up my worries and insecurities. I just felt like our relationship was in pieces. We were arguing every week plus we barely saw each other anymore, he would visit me every few weeks and I didn't want to go to his house anymore as I hated being stuck in and feeling like his secret.

Now, I sit here feeling really sad and alone. I don't know how to feel, think or what to do. I think we're finally over. We had a yet another argument the other day and I'm literally feel numb. We haven't talked for a few days now and I feel so broken :( In my head I know our relationship is over but my heart is crying and is so confused. I know we're not meant to be a couple anymore but I still love him, I wish we could still be together and make things work but I know it's just wishful thinking. I loved him so much and i still do. I can't just switch off my deep feelings for him, I thought we would be together forever but obviously not. Right now, I feel like a shell of myself. I haven't even cried as I literally can't, I am   n u m b. The thoughts of him moving on and him not being in my life anymore rips me apart... I can't even think of it.

Sure we had bad times but we had some really great times too and that's what I will remember and be thankful for. I will never regret this chapter of my life. It was a lesson and I've learnt a lot. I feel so sad, all I can think about is our good happy times and I wish it could've stayed like that. Why couldn't our relationship work? It makes me so sad wondering why everything went so wrong.

Well, I guess I should finish this post now. I feel so alone but I know I'm not. If any of you guys are going through this then I hope I've helped. Thanks for reading and please leave a comment as they really do make me smile.

I hope you're all having a lovely weekend,

Love Rachel x x x 

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