Sunday 19 March 2017

Feeling Low & Going Through A Hard Time...

All images included in this post our not ours and are found on Pintrest via Google.
Hey everyone, this is a very different post to what you usually find on our blog Cyber Mermaids but I wanted to be honest with all of our lovely readers and tell them whats going on in my life. Plus I always think a good rant and talk is good for the soul, heart and mind.

So as you can probably tell from the title of this post, I'm going through a really shitty time right now. Things have been shit for the past few months, especially since January of this year. Me and my boyfriend haven't been getting along for a long time which is so sad to write as at the beginning of our relationship, we used to be best friends... soul mates in fact and everything was so so so good. He was my first ever boyfriend which is so unusual for a 19 year old but I was waiting for the right one :) and I thought I'd finally found him :) so the first few months of our time together was so sweet and lovely. We made each other so happy and we both helped with each others confidence. I thought we would spend our lives together because that's how right we were for one another. It's crazy how one person can make you feel so happy and loved. I treated him as my number one and vise versa.

Cracks started showing when I had a feeling his mum didn't like me, she even called me 'that Rachel' like I was a dog or a piece of dirt, the worst thing is my boyfriend didn't even think that was horrible which is fucking weird I think. I just got on with things and did my best to try and get along with her. We'd been going out for a few months now and I'd still hadn't met his friends. I was worried as I thought I meant we weren't in a 'serious' relationship. I brought it up and we both fought but decided I'd meet his friends soon. Another one of my worries was that whenever we went to his house, we would never ever go out. Most couples go on dates, we didn't.

Weeks go by and I still haven't met his friends or been on a proper date or even go out shopping in his home town. I felt like he was ashamed of me, I felt like his secret girlfriend. These feelings were made 100% worse because we had a long distance relationship. Ever week he would come visit me after a three hour train journey and spend a few nights at mine and then I go back to his with him.
I got pissed of at staying in the house 24/7 when we were at his, so I eventually stopped going. That was another massive crack in our relationship.

Weeks and weeks went by and I could literally feel the distance growing between us. Sure, he would come and visit me but things just felt different. He put his friends before me and wouldn't text me for hours and it was pretty clear that I wasn't his first priority. We started arguing more and wouldn't cuddle as much :( Our 'first' breakup was in January of this year but my heart was breaking so much. After a two weeks of barely talking and a lot of tears we decided to get back together. I was so happy but also a little nervous. I thought we could work through our issues and be happy again. We've had a few happy times this year but the arguments got more frequent and I just felt like I couldn't bring up my worries and insecurities. I just felt like our relationship was in pieces. We were arguing every week plus we barely saw each other anymore, he would visit me every few weeks and I didn't want to go to his house anymore as I hated being stuck in and feeling like his secret.

Now, I sit here feeling really sad and alone. I don't know how to feel, think or what to do. I think we're finally over. We had a yet another argument the other day and I'm literally feel numb. We haven't talked for a few days now and I feel so broken :( In my head I know our relationship is over but my heart is crying and is so confused. I know we're not meant to be a couple anymore but I still love him, I wish we could still be together and make things work but I know it's just wishful thinking. I loved him so much and i still do. I can't just switch off my deep feelings for him, I thought we would be together forever but obviously not. Right now, I feel like a shell of myself. I haven't even cried as I literally can't, I am   n u m b. The thoughts of him moving on and him not being in my life anymore rips me apart... I can't even think of it.

Sure we had bad times but we had some really great times too and that's what I will remember and be thankful for. I will never regret this chapter of my life. It was a lesson and I've learnt a lot. I feel so sad, all I can think about is our good happy times and I wish it could've stayed like that. Why couldn't our relationship work? It makes me so sad wondering why everything went so wrong.

Well, I guess I should finish this post now. I feel so alone but I know I'm not. If any of you guys are going through this then I hope I've helped. Thanks for reading and please leave a comment as they really do make me smile.

I hope you're all having a lovely weekend,
Love Rachel x x x 
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11 comments

  1. Sorry that you're having a sad time at the moment, sending lots of love xx
    Rosanna x
    Rose's Rooftop

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    1. Thank you for the support, it means so much to me x x x

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  2. Relationships and breakups are hard. It sounds like you was getting a lot more negative than positive from the relationship and even though you may feel rubbish now - there are a lot more fish in the sea that won't make you feel so "secret"! This is just a learning curve in your life, I hope you start to feel a bit better soon :) x

    LAURA ­| Laura Thinks About

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    1. It's such a hard time for me but I know I have my family there for me and that helps a lot. Thank you so much for this comment Laura - it's made me feel better knowing I'm not going to feel this way forever and it's for the best x x x

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  3. So sorry to hear your going through it :( Lots of hugs!! x

    Laura
    Pink Frenzy

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    1. Thanks for the hugs Laura - they help even if they are virtual! :P x x x

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  4. So sorry about the sad time for you. It can be very difficult to be happy when something like this is going on. I hope you are doing well and sending you a lot of positivity your way gorgeous :) http://www.bauchlefashion.com/2017/03/stripes-with-attitude-for-spring.html

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    1. It's so hard to try and put a face on things when I feel like everything is going wrong but I know this won't last forever. Aw thank you so much Heather! I think I need all the positivity I need :) x x x

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  5. I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend.Honeslty everything you are saying is a huge red flag and you are better off without him. I know this is hard because he was your first boyfriend and you are super young. I am 32 and have experienced the ups and downs of relationships and broken hearts.I can tell you that things will get better and you have only learned more about yourself from this experience.
    xo
    www.laurajaneatelier.com

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    1. I know it's been a red flag warning for months and I know that i certainly deserve so much better - the heartbreak hurts but I haven't been happy for months and it's wrecked my confidence so much. I think it's hard because he was my first :( Thank you for the advice Laura - it's really helped me :) x x x x

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  6. Don't you cry anymore tears! There's nothing wrong with you. Never try and make something work. Trust me I know! If it doesn't come together. It's not to be. You shouldn't have to work at anything (no matter how bad you want the person). There's somebody BETTER for you! You don't want a miserable life with his mom. He can't show you to his friends etc? Don't force him. Enroll in school (hair) and meet other people. Make no time for HIM. Either he will get it together or someone else will come along :) Trust me!
    http://www.averysweetblog.com/

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