Thursday, 2 March 2017

Our Eating Disorder Story - NATIONAL EATING DISORDERS AWARENESS WEEK 2017.

Image from internet - The Veggie Expat.
Tired, freezing cold, starving, depressed, anxious and just wanting to die. Yes, that statement might shock you but this is our eating disorder story - it's not going to be pretty. Are they even words to describe the pure Hell an eating disorder brings? Words will never be enough but I need to try. I want to raise awareness and bring hope to all those who are suffering from a monster living inside their head. This most may be triggering to those with ED's but hopefully not - I know the triggers and will not mention calories or weight whatsoever whole the whole of this post.

Where it All Began:
We were 15, fresh out of dropping out of school and being home schooled because of being bullied relentlessly. We had social anxiety and school was a living Hell - making every single day a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.  ''We're free!'' we thought as mum and dad told us we no longer had to attend school, ''We have no worries now!''. 
How wrong we both were. 
As the weeks went by and it turned into Summer 2012, we both began subconsciously, cut out food. The next thing we knew, it was a fast downward spiral. Beforehand, I hadn't ever been bothered about food before - it was just a necessity like air or water. Time went on and I noticed that my twin sister Rachel was throwing food away, hiding it, she began exercising and I instantly copied her because we always do everything together. She was my other half  and back when I was a vulnerable 15 year old, I felt like we needed to do everything the exact same. Same hair, same makeup, same interests, same personality and now, the same eating/diet. 
As I began restricting my food, I became obsessed with my image. ''Do my legs look fat?'' or ''Rachel is way skinner than me'' were sentences constantly in my head. I took photos of my body complusively, hating myself with a passion and wanting to punish myself for being 'fat'.
By November 2012, me and Rachel were sat down by our devastated Mum and Dad. We were told we had anorexia. At first, I was in shock - no way would I ever have anorexia. The weeks went along and it became apparent to me and Rachel that something was seriously wrong. I was scared of food, calories, I was exercising for hours every day and my LIFE was consumed by the voice in my head that was determined to kill me. I woke up everyday and wanted to die, the hours were like days but nothing made me feel able to recover, the voice was too strong.

2013 - Worst Year of My Life.
2013. It brings me feel so sad and heart broken to even think about that year. How could my own mind make me so mentally sick that my life had become a live action horror movie? My body was exhausted, my demon in my head stronger than ever and I was starving & exercising myself to death. Nobody could help - how can you help someone that won't listen, that doesn't truly care? I was so hungry and then something else enters my life - another eating disorder. Binge/purge/restrict. I had massive binges - me and Rachel were a team when it came to our eating disorders - we'd encourage each other, support each other and when the hunger became too much, we'd binge together. 
The binges would last all day, from the moment I'd wake up to bed time. Chocolate, whole packs of biscuits, cakes, over 40 chocolate bars, doughnuts - literally anything you can think of - I ate it. 
I'd go to bed unable to walk, my stomach distended to such porpotions that I thought I'd actually explode or throw up in my sleep and choke and die. 
The guilt was overwhelming. I'd cry, exercise for hours and after a massive binge, I wouldn't eat at all and see how long I could go before binging yet again because I'd literally forgotten how to eat. 3 meals a day and snacks wasn't enough - I needed to binge/restrict/purge
And so that was the cycle. Starvation and bingeing, then a massive purging through exercise and sometimes laxatives. I wanted to die but I never ever wanted to recover. I was terrified. I WAS my eating disorder, I was starvation, I was bingeing. I wasn't human anymore - I was dead inside and so my life continued like this until 2015. Towards 2014, I was nearly dying. I lived for binging on food while fearing them so much. I craved to look sick, to look emaciated and to feel starved. I took photos constantly, hating myself, not wearing nice clothes because I 'didn't deserve to". I was mentally ill and therapy didn't help at all, nothing did. 



My Breaking Point & Recovery.
Recovery was something that, to put it simply, scared the shit out of me. As i mentioned earlier, I was my eating disorder - it defined my being, it was my life. But at the same time, I felt myself becoming more and more depressed at living my life like this - at living my life as an eating disorder. I was sick of feeling pathetic, a failure, I hated hating myself and pushing my parents away. I'd had enough. I wanted out of it and it wasn't my choice to live like this. I never wanted to be mentally ill but now, as it turned Spring of 2015, something snapped inside my head. Something deep inside of me said "you only get one life, do you want to live it like this?". 
I remember the day when I said to my mum that I wanted to recover. Both my parents had spent my eating disordered years crying, miserable, and helpless to me and Rachel. I had ruined their lives since 2013 but now, in 2015 I decided enough was enough. I wanted my life back and I wanted my mind back.
The voice was still in my head as I tried to recover. ''If you don't like eating like this then you can always starve again'' it told me. But guess what? Recovery, even in the first few days, hours even, made me feel alive for the first time in years. I recovered by cooking all my own foods and eating clean in the beginning - it was an obsession to eat clean at the start but then it turned into a way of life and as I realized food wasn't the enemy, I introduced everything and anything into my diet. However, in the beginning of recovery, eating pure whole foods make me feel incredible and I recommend it to anyone who is wanting to recover from an eating disorder. I'm a firm believer that as calories increase, the voice goes quieter and quieter. Eating healthy allowed to me to feel strong enough mentally to raise my calories to the highest thy'd ever been and I felt amazing. I was happy, my skin was improved and I was finally free.
Recovery was the hardest thing I had to do and some days I felt like I was back to square one but I NEVER gave up. I told my eating disorder to fuck off and it worked!  
My clean eating is now in a balanced way, I eat in moderation and exercise to keep my body fit and my mind healthy. I never deny myself anything, I can eat out anywhere I want, order desserts, go out for drinks with my boyfriend... I can do anything because I'm no longer controlled by my mental illness. 

I'm not going to say I'm perfect and fully recovered because I'm not but damn, I'm almost there. I'm so close to not even thinking about food negatively and you know what? It feels so good. I hope this inspires even just one person to recover because remember, you only get one life. Don't waste it on being sick. Find that inner strengh, you'll have days when you don't feel as strong and want to breakdown but you've got this. You can beat this. No matter what, it is possible to recover and lead a healthy, happy life. 

Please share this post, I'd love for as many people as possible to see it so I can encourage others to get help and support. Thank you so much for reading. xxx

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23 comments

  1. Well all I can say to you for writing this post is well done and it's fucking amazing and empowering and you should both be so proud! It sounds like you both had such a nightmare time and I can relate massively. I left school at 12 due to my mental health and I stopped eating and became obsessed by my body. I ended up having to have treatment for it for years along with other things. I don't ever think the illness goes, it's always there but it's about knowing how to look after yourself, eat well and know a treat is okay because one chocolate bar isn't going to change anything!!

    I really am honestly so proud of you for writing this! You both are bright, beautiful girls with a brilliant style and you both shine! Fuck the eating disorder, it's a bloody waste of time plus food is great! We are all beautiful, us warriors and we need to use our eyes more!

    So so so so so so so so so so proud <3

    Fix Me In Forty Five - A Beauty & Lifestyle Blog
    Blog Lovin' // Instagram
    xx

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    1. I am so touched by this message Stacey, you're so lovely and I'm so sorry to hear you've suffered so much through out your life. I am so proud of you too for coming through your own mental health issues! It's the hardest battle but so worth it to recover. I really want to write you back a long message but I'm so touched and have no words! Thank you so much my love, you are such a sweetheart. I've realised we're both very similar which is so awesome :D x x x

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  2. This was so brave of you to write and share your story love!! You are beautiful no matter what and I'm so glad you have almost recovered and I'm positive you will 110% recover within no time!!! Just stay confident and believe in yourself! I'm sure you have helped someone else out there as well! <3

    http://www.alifyalifestyle.com/

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    1. This had made me smile so much, thank you so much Alifya! I'm so glad to hear that you have belief in my recovery, sometimes I just need to hear that :) this is such a beautiful message, thank you! X x x

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  3. It's so inspiring to hear you share such a personal story. I'm glad to hear it's a story of recovery!

    Jodie // jodieloue.com

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    1. Thank you so much & yes definitely - I want to show others that it is possible to recover no matter what! x x x

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  4. I'm so proud of you for sharing this story, I know how difficult it must be to relive those memories. A close friend of mine suffered with both anorexia and bulimia and so I have an idea of just how destructive they can be in completing tearing apart your life - the fact your story is now one of recovery is hugely admirable, and like I said, so proud of you for sharing your story :)

    aglassofice.com
    x

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    1. It was incredibly hard to relive all my worst memories but worth it if it helps even one person :) I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and I hope she is better or recovering! Thank you so much Gabrielle! x x x

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  5. bellissimo leggere la tua esperienza .. sono felice che la tua vita sia cambiata in modo positivo

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  6. Thank you for sharing your story! I have to say that you are very brave! I am so proud of you! :)

    Angelie // Manicure Mondays: Revlon Brilliant Strength Nail Enamel in Enrapture

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    1. Thank you so very much, thank you for reading :) x x x

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  7. This is a very sad story, but you should be very proud of yourself! You were very strong and I think you're a good example for who reads this post(:

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    1. This means the world to me so thank you so much :) x x x

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  8. Thank you for sharing your story! It will help so many people. I went through this in high school. Mine was more self esteem issues. I had an abusive boyfriend who made my weight an issue (well everything). So I would eat 4 crackers & 1 slice a cheese for lunch. That went on a while. Thank God I got over him.
    http://www.averysweetblog.com/

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been in an abusive relationship and I can see how it made your confidence so low - some people get a disturbing rush from making others feel bad about them selves. Good on you Kim for getting over the piece of shit! Here is to future happiness :) x x x

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  9. What an honest and sad post. Eating disorders are so complicated to each person, so it's interesting to hear your story. I have anxiety and so I can understand how your mind can make you think "crazy" things.
    Glad to hear things became better!

    LAURA ­| Laura Thinks About

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    1. Definitely, everyone's story of eating disorders is so different and also, everyone suffers from anxiety in different ways. I really hope you can find ways to help with your anxiety because it's honestly the worst thing ever when it eats away at your brain. Wishing you lots of happiness. x x x

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  10. Hats off to you for sharing your story and m glad to hear that you are getting better. You've gone so far till today and I'm sure you are going much further. Stay strong and believe in yourself that you can do. All the best!

    xo Ashon
    http://ashonfashionary.com/bell-sleeve-sweater-for-everyday-style/

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  11. Thank you for sharing this story, having gone through a similar experience myself I really relate and appreciate this. I suffer from a binge-eating disorder, and whilst I manage it a little better these days, it's still there and has always been there... Recovering from an eating disorder is an incredibly difficult thing. It's not like with cigarettes or alcohol where you can just go 'cold turkey'. You can't just completely avoid food, which makes it so much harder to manage it in a healthy way. Again, thank you for sharing this! xoxo

    Kay
    http://www.shoesandglitter.com/

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  12. Kudos and a big hug to the both of you <3 I think it's really important and brave that you shared this. Thank you!
    -PerlaGiselle
    iamperlita.com

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  13. Thank you for sharing this. Mental illness is such a struggle for many people. I remember when I was at my worst with depression I told myself the same thing, and it was that that pushed me to do a little bit each day and do a little bit more then yesterday. I to wouldn't say that I'm perfectly healthy now but that's something that I'm going to be working on for the rest of my life. I hope that Rachel is also

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  14. Thank you for sharing this. Mental illness is such a struggle for many people. I remember when I was at my worst with depression I told myself the same thing, and it was that that pushed me to do a little bit each day and do a little bit more then yesterday. I to wouldn't say that I'm perfectly healthy now but that's something that I'm going to be working on for the rest of my life. I hope that Rachel is also

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  15. I am so happy that you are doing so much better. Eating disorders are more common than people think, but rarely talked about. It's so great you spoke up and got the help you needed. You took something (like cooking) and became passionate about it, helping to heal your eating disorder. It was very smart and seems to work well for you. Good luck to you!

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